Trying to live life apart from God, once you've tasted life WITH Him, is exhausting, painful and lonely. So very lonely. And empty. Jesus once told His disciples, "Apart from Me, you can do nothing." That strength and power and 'joi de vivre' that comes from your life being interwoven with Christ's are gone when you choose to turn your back on Him and disconnect yourself from Him completely. Not only can you DO nothing...there IS nothing. Nothing compares to Jesus. Nothing compares to being His very own and having Him as your first Love, your best Friend, your Hero, Confidante, Redeemer, Protector and Savior. I relearned this lesson the hard way this past week as I willingly took on the role of the rebellious, prodigal child and engaged in a one-sided game of Hide and Seek with the Lord. It was a foolish, no win game of my own choice and proved to be a very dark existence for me. Colors in the landscape no longer seemed vibrant. My Bible sat in a far corner of my room, untouched and without any daily connection and conversation with the Lord, the silence was deafening. I felt so alone. I had a dream a few days ago in which I found myself trapped in a tiny jail cell, the kind they put you in when you're in solitary confinement. I remember feeling completely panic stricken, barely able to move or breathe. I certainly didn't need a psychiatrist or counselor to explain the meaning behind that dream.
On my solitary journey this week, I came to realize that my faith and my trust in Jesus, as well as my relationship with Him, are not as strong as I thought them to be. I came to realize that it's much easier for me to blame all of my problems and heartaches on Him, rather than doing the harder, necessary work of looking deeply and carefully into my own heart and life, and taking responsibility for what's there. I came to realize that as long as I continue struggling to take control of everyone and everything, determined to live a life of self-sufficiency, my reliance and dependence on the Lord will be a moot point. All in all, some humbling revelations for me. This morning, I was ready to stop running and hiding and playing at life. This morning, I was ready to sit at the feet of my Jesus....and just listen to the gentle, loving Voice of One Who has been right beside me the whole time, inviting me to come back to Him. I was welcome. I was missed. I was loved.
It's good to be home.
You can try to fix your broken empire
And put bricks on a cracked foundation
But you'd be building castles on the sand
But there's power in the blood of Jesus
Your Father's screaming 'just come home!'
And He's reaching out His hands
I know you've been running, searching for something
But you're looking in a place you don't belong
It's never too late, you can't outrun grace
No, Mercy doesn't care what you've done
So Come Home
So Come Home ~ "Come Home, by Luminate