Yesterday, I ended my post by asking a question: ‘what does letting go look like for me? What or whom do I need to let go of?’ Today, I’ll do my best to answer that question. As I stated in yesterday’s post, the act of ripping open your heart and allowing others to step up and take a peek within is never fun or easy, and I might add, it’s a little bit scary. I’ve found that being raw and transparent sometimes results in offending, angering or turning off other people. So at the risk of perhaps doing that, here I go.
As the believing wife of an unbelieving husband, I need to let go of my dream of having a loving marriage to a man who knows and loves and lives for Jesus and who would give me incredible joy by serving Him alongside of me; a husband who really LOVES ME, and just doesn't stay with me because it’s perhaps easier, cheaper and less messy than divorcing me. I need to let go of my dream of a happy family with kids who know and love and live for Jesus because they have a mother and father who are on the same page as tandem spiritual leaders in the home and can model His love, grace, mercy and forgiveness to them. I need to let go of my fear of a recurrence of cancer somewhere else in my body, a fear that I keep well hidden from others, but one which I’m constantly aware of hanging over my head. I need to let go of my family into God’s hands. I need to let go of all the hurt, humiliation and rejection I feel because of them, all the anger, bitterness, frustration, disappointment and most of all, the unforgiveness I feel towards them. I’ve tried, but it hasn’t been easy, due in part to some particularly difficult and dysfunctional family dynamics, as well as the aforementioned fact that my husband and I are spiritually unequally yoked. This may sound harsh, but as dearly as I love my family, I often feel as if they are the enemy and there are days I have to wonder just what in the world God is doing. Does He not see what’s going on here? Has He not heard my cries and pleadings for help and change and deliverance? What’s He waiting for? How long ’til He steps in and does something??!! It’s as if my expectations of what could be and the reality of what is are engaged in a continual, fierce battle...and reality seems to be winning.
However, let me assure you right now that all of this is NOT to say that these dreams and expectations may never come to fruition some day. Please don’t think for one minute that I believe or want anyone else to believe that letting go is parallel to or equated with giving up. It is not. There is ALWAYS hope, for as Jesus told His disciples, “All things are possible with God.” But for now, God’s still, small voice continues to invade my heart, mind and soul as He tells me: “Everything you’re holding onto -- let it go. Let go of the dreams and the overly high expectations, dear one. Let go of your family…and leave them to Me. Let go of the control you think you possess. Let go of your fears, your doubts, your despair, your anxiety. Let it all go and give it all over to Me. I have so much more for you, but you can’t receive it until your hands are open and free!”
There are lessons to be learned in letting go. Like learning to be content with the life I’ve been given by Him, and being satisfied with that great, unfailing, no strings attached love He has for me. Learning to keep my hands in an open position and to be on the lookout for the unexpected blessings that God has in store for me along the way. Lessons of trust and of patience, knowing and believing that God does indeed have plans for my life, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, but instead, to give me a hope and a future; plans that will ultimately bring Him glory -- yet these are lessons I struggle to learn every day.
Maybe this is your struggle, too. What are you afraid to let go of and surrender to God today? Some thing or someone? A hidden sin or addiction? A prodigal child? A broken dream, marriage or relationship? A broken heart? Something that has long since died and yet you keep holding onto its hard, cold, lifeless corpse. Won't you join me in allowing God to gently, but firmly, pry our hands, finger by finger, off whatever it is we're holding onto so tightly? Won't you join me in allowing God to empty our hands of something dead so that He can refill them with something alive and good and glorious and wonderful?
I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security
But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life, it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go. ~ ‘Let It Go,’ by Tenth Avenue North
My soul is in deep anguish. How long, LORD, how long?~Psalm 6:3
Letting go. A phrase that falls into the category of ‘easy to say, hard to do.’
Letting go. Such a foreign concept to me, but one so necessary for me to understand.
Depending upon what or whom we’re holding onto, it certainly isn’t easy or fun to rip open our hearts and share with one another what we’re struggling to keep a tight rein on in our lives, is it? It can be gruelingly difficult. It can be terribly embarrassing. And it can be downright painful. Very painful.
Each of us has something or someone that we need to let go of. Past regrets, guilt or shame. An ungodly attitude or an unhealthy addiction. An ugly, hurtful stereotype. A loved one who met with an untimely death. A child stepping into young adulthood and heading for college, the job market or the military. A broken relationship. A broken heart. A broken dream. Painful memories. Admitting we need to let go is one thing. Making the effort to actually DO IT is an entirely different story.
Our hands can become cramped and quite bloody from our inability to let go. I know mine are. There are things and people I’ve been holding onto for a very long time, not ready, willing or able to unclench my fists and let them slip from my grip. Why is that? For me, I think perhaps it has to do with my great expectations of life. For many, many years, I had this perfect vision of exactly how my life would turn out to be, what I was entitled to and what I deserved. I don’t think I’m alone here in having such expectations. After all, from the time we’re young, we’re encouraged to dream and dream big as we reach for the stars. We’re told we can be whomever we want to be or have whatever we want, it’s all within our grasp. And really, there’s nothing wrong with focusing on the positive and aiming high. But what happens when the dream is shattered and the stars disappear? When we wind up being secretary to the corporation president instead of BEING the president or turn out to be more like Mommie Dearest and less like Mother-of-the-Year?
As a flawed human being, I also tend to place these great expectations on other people, most especially on those whom I deeply love and care about, setting them up on Mt. Everest sized pedestals. But once again, what happens when they come crashing down around us? What happens when the perfect child suddenly turns into the prodigal child? How about when expectations of a storybook romance and marriage morph into an episode of Fractured Fairy Tales instead ?
Well, with me, here’s what happens. Surrounded by my shattered expectations and broken dreams, standing amidst the painful shards of disappointment, fear, anger, bitterness, sorrow, resentment and frustration, I throw back my head, shake my fist and shout things like, “Hey LORD, WHAT are You doing?! NONE of this was supposed to happen!!! You KNOW I didn’t sign up for THIS!! WHEN are You going to DO something? How much longer do I have to wait, Lord?!” I feel alone and forgotten, like God isn't paying attention or listening, and maybe never was. My faith, hope and trust in Him rapidly begin to disappear. But it shouldn’t. God loves me. He knows me. He’s on my side. But I forget about this as I begin doing damage control, desperately focusing on trying to hold onto those people, things and situations I feel are not following along accordingly with MY plans, or gripping tightly to whatever or whomever I believe is being unfairly snatched from my hands. I engage in a brutal tug-of-war and refuse to let go, because THEY’RE MINE, doggone it! But I need to let go. It’s what God desires and requires for me to do. Because really, everything I’ve ever had, currently have or will ever have all comes from God. By letting go, I’m freeing my hands up to receive whatever else God has for me. In the story of Job, after losing everything he had (except for his own life and his unsupportive, disparaging wife) Job said, “The LORD giveth and the LORD taketh away. Blessed be the Name of the LORD.” And by the end of the story, we learn that, ‘The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part.’ But I forget about that, too.
For years I've been struggling to remain in control....of my family, of my health, of every painful circumstance that’s come down the pike in my life and threatened to trip me up and knock me down and out. But in the Kingdom of God, life isn’t supposed to be about being in control and holding onto things and people with a death grip. It’s supposed to be about surrender and letting go….to Him.
So what does letting go look like for me? What or whom do I need to let go of? I’ll share that in tomorrow’s post.
