Growing Weary, Part One

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith. ~ Galatians 6:9-10

Before I begin, I find it VERY interesting that this verse would be the one to come up on my phone's YouVersion Bible app today as I was writing this. Actually, I didn't check to see it until AFTER I had finished this post. 

That being said, this has been a very difficult post for me to write. And one that has been a long time coming. There's a lot I felt the need to carefully explain in the hopes you, dear readers, will understand where I'm coming from. So due to the length, I've had to break it down into two parts. I hope you'll hang in there for both of them.

As a Christian, one of our primary roles is to be a humble servant of God – serving Him by serving others is indeed an honor and a privilege for us. Or at least it should be.

But what happens when it no longer feels that way?

Throughout the New Testament, God’s Word speaks of the importance of dying to self; of serving and caring for the poor, the sick, the needy and less fortunate; of practicing hospitality; of placing the needs of others before our own, and of helping to carry one another’s burdens.

But what happens when that all becomes too much?

For some time now, I’ve had cause to think on these ideals and commands. Certain situations with particular people in my life, with regards to serving them, have made me step back and ask even more questions, like:

How can serving others become ‘off balance?’

At what point does helping  someone suddenly cross the lines and become enabling instead?

Now you won’t find the terms 

• Enabler
• Toxic relationship
• Co-dependency
• Dysfunctional family

anywhere in the Bible. No, not even in The Message translation. I checked. So back in Jesus’s day, Jerusalem and the surrounding areas didn’t offer counseling sessions for enablers and didn’t have support groups for those who served and cared for people with toxic, obsessive, dysfunctional personalities or mental disorders.

So what did people do about those hard-to-deal-with, difficult-to-manage people whom they were called to serve? 

Pretty much the only things I can find are the Gospel accounts of people traveling far and wide to bring them to Jesus to heal ( Mark 4), or just completely removing themselves from their lives to let them fend for themselves (see the story of the demon-possessed wild man roaming through the tombs of Gerasenes in Mark 5).

I know that service to others should ALWAYS come from a joyful, compassionate, loving heart and spirit. However, when it’s done with an overburdened, resentful and angry attitude, service becomes nothing more than a struggle to complete a dreaded duty; it feels more like an undesirable job than a great adventure for the one doing it.

Unfortunately, the latter description is what it has become for me. And I confess I’ve not handled it well. Please let me explain.

I do believe that God brings people into our lives who need our service and giftings.  He brought two particular people into my life – one a friend, the other a neighbor – when I began to attend my present church. To say that it’s been a challenge for me to be there for them in their times of need through the years is an understatement. I’ve done my best, but recently, their needs have gone way beyond what I’m actually able to do and to provide.

And I’ve been struggling.

Struggling with the realization that I am weary and no longer wish to do this anymore.

Struggling with the anger, resentment, anxiety and even some fear mixed in that wells up in me whenever our doorbell rings…. and it’s my neighbor. I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve taken to sending my husband to answer it when it’s her. Because if I answer the door, she won’t leave until I’ve addressed every complaint, desire, question she has, or fulfilled every need of hers, from advice to promises of rides to borrowing money and our phone. 

Family time, get-togethers, meals, intimate moments and late night/early morning sleep have been interrupted countless times over the past several years, and it’s gotten worse recently as my neighbor’s mental state, which was never strong in the 20 years we’ve lived here, is diminishing more and more.  Her ever-growing needs (physical, health and emotional) are more than I can handle. But since I’m not family; and because her family members don’t wish to be involved (too busy, too much trouble) and are more than happy to let me deal with her; and due to legalities (those who have Power of Attorney over her health and finances, HIPAA laws and standards and Social Services’ confidentiality guidelines), my hands are tied and I’m unable to get this person the assistance they really need and deserve.

Talk about being in between a rock and a hard place.

I struggle with those same negative feelings towards my friend whenever the phone rings and I see her number appear on my Caller ID.  My friend has been suffering with her own medical and financial issues, as well as job-related problems for quite awhile, and rather than drawing her closer to God, I’ve watched this once strong and solid-in-her-faith woman allow these crises to move her farther and farther away from Him.

It’s heartbreaking to watch. And frustrating to deal with. 

I’ve spent hours and hours, in person and over the phone, listening to her cry, rage and complain. When I’ve offered to pray with and for her, she thanks me, but says it will do no good, because God's not listening anyway. When I’ve given her suggestions or counsel, she won’t take them. When I’ve shown her tough love, she gets mad at me. When I’ve lined up physical, tangible assistance for her and her family, she’s called and stopped it, then complained that nobody cares.  When she speaks of taking her own life, I’ve talked her through it (she’ll apologize the next day, laughing it off, while I’m still shaken). I’ve reached out to her family and begged them to get her and themselves into some kind of family intervention and counseling program.  They have yet to do so. And the phone calls keep coming.

I know admitting this will make me sound like a terrible person and a weak, lousy Christian, but to be honest, both my neighbor and my friend can often drain me physically, emotionally and mentally. And my serving them has actually caused relational problems here at home, especially with my marriage. My daughter confronted me the other day and asked, “Why do you let people take advantage of you like that?”

Why indeed? Since when has being a Christian become synonymous with being a doormat?

And then, there’s the terrible guilt and shame I’m experiencing, because:

(a)   I had these feelings of anger, resentment and anxiety towards two of God’s children and sisters-in-Christ in the first place

(b)   I recently made the decision to step back and disengage myself as servant, babysitter, supplier, chauffeur and always on call Christian counselor in both relationships, and

(c)   I feel by doing so, I’ve been disobedient to the Lord and have greatly disappointed Him in my rebelliousness 

What a mess! 

I'm going to stop right here for now. My apologies for this not being one of my more encouraging nor inspiring of posts. But please hang in there and join me as I wrap up the rest of this post tomorrow. I'll have some questions I'd like for you to consider and comment on. Thank you!