Growing Weary, Part Two

So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith. ~ Galatians 6:9-10, The Message

The above Scripture verse is another translation of Paul's encouragement for the people of Galatia to not grow weary and give up in doing good to others. Yesterday, I began a two-part blog post about what happens when you DO wind up growing weary and just give up. Because it happened to me.

If you didn't get a chance to read it, why not take a minute to scoot over to read it now by clicking here.

As a result of the roller coaster of emotions I was experiencing as I tried my best in 'doing good' for both my neighbor and my friend, (while also feeling I was being manipulated and used by them at times, which I failed to mention yesterday), I found myself spiraling down into depression.

I spent several months ‘hiding’ from God.  For a time, I stopped attending church (we all attend the same church). I dropped out of Bible study (which my neighbor also attended and in which she was causing some chaotic moments for everyone). I purposely made ‘other arrangements’ on the Tuesday nights that my prayer group would meet.  I avoided my Bible like the plague and pretty much ostracized myself from my church family and other Christian friends.

Is it any wonder, then, that my relationship with the Lord, as well as with the members of the Body of Christ/the Church, had suffered, becoming weak, dry and very close to non-existent? I woke up one day to the realization that I was in a self-imposed form of exile. 

I know all of this sounds awful and some may be reading this thinking, “What kind of Christian (or maybe more appropriately, what kind of NUT) is she, anyway?” I’ve been wondering that a lot myself. 

There's just so much that confuses me.  I feel like I'm being bombarded from all sides by Bible verses that are continually popping into my head. And I hope I'm not taking them out of context. 

Once again, in Galatians 6, Paul reminds the people that they are to "Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ."  And in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5, Jesus tells this to the crowds gathered there: "Whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks you, and don't turn away him who desires to borrow from you."  That is sacrificial living right there, and is part and parcel of the Christian daily walk. 

But when does it become a matter of being able to say "STOP! Enough is enough!" when you feel someone is manipulating you and taking advantage of your kind, loving, giving, sacrificial Christian nature? Or you come to the realization that you are enabling instead of helping?



Yesterday, I wrote that terms like 'enabler,' co-dependency' 'toxic' and 'dysfunctional' are all words you won't find in the Bible. And with good reason, for these are terms that come from the secular and psychological community. So do they truly have a place in Christianity? Should we even be identifying with these terms or are we just kidding ourselves? 

And perhaps I'm just using them to justify my backing away from helping these two people in my life because obeying Jesus's command to do this just became TOO HARD TO DO?

Through all of this madness, I had some well-meaning, godly friends with whom I’d shared my struggles and questions about this – friends who know my neighbor and friend well, and are aware of their situations and needs – tell me things like:

“Ask God to make you willing to be made willing”

Really?! What does THAT even mean? To me, it translates into “Better you than me, sister.”

Or this gem:

“What would they DO without you? You’re ALL they have.”

Is that true? Am I really ALL they have, because family, friends, other neighbors and members of their faith community, for whatever reasons, have chosen to look away from these folks and avoid them like the priest and the Levite in the parable of The Good Samaritan, washing their hands of any responsibility? I'm sorry, but I can't go along with that.

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I never realized this before until a month or so ago, but as I read that parable again, it suddenly came to me while the Samaritan traveler was the only one who stopped to help and care for that beaten, bruised and broken man lying on the roadside, he didn’t take on all responsibility for him. He didn’t take the man with him to wherever he was headed.  When the Samaritan left the inn where he had taken the wounded man and spent the night tending to him, he left him there and enlisted help (paid help, though it was) from the local innkeeper:

'The next day, he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’ (Luke 10:35, NIV)

Please know I HAVE asked for help and a bit has come from an unexpected source. But due to all the legal and familial roadblocks, as well as the stubbornness of the people in need, it really hasn't been as much as I'd hoped.  Believe me when I say this – I’m NOT asking for sympathetic, figurative pats on the head here. Nor am I looking for kudos and applause from anyone for hanging in there and doing as much as I could.

What I am looking for at this point -- and which I'd forgotten about until now -- is The Lesson.  A sweet friend of mine who passed away several years ago from cancer, would often tell me -- even and especially in the midst of those times when she found herself in horrific pain and was struggling just to breathe and speak: 

"God has a lesson for me in all 
of this. I just need to find it."

I'm desperately trying to find the lesson God has for me 'in all of this.'

So I’m wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else out there; if anyone has ever experienced a time when serving others just became too heavy a burden to bear....and you made the difficult choice to walk away. 

And I don't normally ask this, but PLEASE DO SHARE this post series with others, especially if you know of anyone who is a pastor or Christian counselor. I will welcome any and all comments and insights -- good, bad or indifferent (or you can send me a private email, too, if you’re more comfortable with that) -- on what I’ve said and on the questions below:

   How do you serve without enabling, being taken advantage of or becoming the victim of another's manipulation? 

Does setting healthy boundaries for oneself conflict with the Biblical theology of sacrificial living?

Some hard questions. But then, nobody said following Jesus would be easy. Many thanks for taking the time to read this and hopefully share your insights. 

Growing Weary, Part One

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith. ~ Galatians 6:9-10

Before I begin, I find it VERY interesting that this verse would be the one to come up on my phone's YouVersion Bible app today as I was writing this. Actually, I didn't check to see it until AFTER I had finished this post. 

That being said, this has been a very difficult post for me to write. And one that has been a long time coming. There's a lot I felt the need to carefully explain in the hopes you, dear readers, will understand where I'm coming from. So due to the length, I've had to break it down into two parts. I hope you'll hang in there for both of them.

As a Christian, one of our primary roles is to be a humble servant of God – serving Him by serving others is indeed an honor and a privilege for us. Or at least it should be.

But what happens when it no longer feels that way?

Throughout the New Testament, God’s Word speaks of the importance of dying to self; of serving and caring for the poor, the sick, the needy and less fortunate; of practicing hospitality; of placing the needs of others before our own, and of helping to carry one another’s burdens.

But what happens when that all becomes too much?

For some time now, I’ve had cause to think on these ideals and commands. Certain situations with particular people in my life, with regards to serving them, have made me step back and ask even more questions, like:

How can serving others become ‘off balance?’

At what point does helping  someone suddenly cross the lines and become enabling instead?

Now you won’t find the terms 

• Enabler
• Toxic relationship
• Co-dependency
• Dysfunctional family

anywhere in the Bible. No, not even in The Message translation. I checked. So back in Jesus’s day, Jerusalem and the surrounding areas didn’t offer counseling sessions for enablers and didn’t have support groups for those who served and cared for people with toxic, obsessive, dysfunctional personalities or mental disorders.

So what did people do about those hard-to-deal-with, difficult-to-manage people whom they were called to serve? 

Pretty much the only things I can find are the Gospel accounts of people traveling far and wide to bring them to Jesus to heal ( Mark 4), or just completely removing themselves from their lives to let them fend for themselves (see the story of the demon-possessed wild man roaming through the tombs of Gerasenes in Mark 5).

I know that service to others should ALWAYS come from a joyful, compassionate, loving heart and spirit. However, when it’s done with an overburdened, resentful and angry attitude, service becomes nothing more than a struggle to complete a dreaded duty; it feels more like an undesirable job than a great adventure for the one doing it.

Unfortunately, the latter description is what it has become for me. And I confess I’ve not handled it well. Please let me explain.

I do believe that God brings people into our lives who need our service and giftings.  He brought two particular people into my life – one a friend, the other a neighbor – when I began to attend my present church. To say that it’s been a challenge for me to be there for them in their times of need through the years is an understatement. I’ve done my best, but recently, their needs have gone way beyond what I’m actually able to do and to provide.

And I’ve been struggling.

Struggling with the realization that I am weary and no longer wish to do this anymore.

Struggling with the anger, resentment, anxiety and even some fear mixed in that wells up in me whenever our doorbell rings…. and it’s my neighbor. I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve taken to sending my husband to answer it when it’s her. Because if I answer the door, she won’t leave until I’ve addressed every complaint, desire, question she has, or fulfilled every need of hers, from advice to promises of rides to borrowing money and our phone. 

Family time, get-togethers, meals, intimate moments and late night/early morning sleep have been interrupted countless times over the past several years, and it’s gotten worse recently as my neighbor’s mental state, which was never strong in the 20 years we’ve lived here, is diminishing more and more.  Her ever-growing needs (physical, health and emotional) are more than I can handle. But since I’m not family; and because her family members don’t wish to be involved (too busy, too much trouble) and are more than happy to let me deal with her; and due to legalities (those who have Power of Attorney over her health and finances, HIPAA laws and standards and Social Services’ confidentiality guidelines), my hands are tied and I’m unable to get this person the assistance they really need and deserve.

Talk about being in between a rock and a hard place.

I struggle with those same negative feelings towards my friend whenever the phone rings and I see her number appear on my Caller ID.  My friend has been suffering with her own medical and financial issues, as well as job-related problems for quite awhile, and rather than drawing her closer to God, I’ve watched this once strong and solid-in-her-faith woman allow these crises to move her farther and farther away from Him.

It’s heartbreaking to watch. And frustrating to deal with. 

I’ve spent hours and hours, in person and over the phone, listening to her cry, rage and complain. When I’ve offered to pray with and for her, she thanks me, but says it will do no good, because God's not listening anyway. When I’ve given her suggestions or counsel, she won’t take them. When I’ve shown her tough love, she gets mad at me. When I’ve lined up physical, tangible assistance for her and her family, she’s called and stopped it, then complained that nobody cares.  When she speaks of taking her own life, I’ve talked her through it (she’ll apologize the next day, laughing it off, while I’m still shaken). I’ve reached out to her family and begged them to get her and themselves into some kind of family intervention and counseling program.  They have yet to do so. And the phone calls keep coming.

I know admitting this will make me sound like a terrible person and a weak, lousy Christian, but to be honest, both my neighbor and my friend can often drain me physically, emotionally and mentally. And my serving them has actually caused relational problems here at home, especially with my marriage. My daughter confronted me the other day and asked, “Why do you let people take advantage of you like that?”

Why indeed? Since when has being a Christian become synonymous with being a doormat?

And then, there’s the terrible guilt and shame I’m experiencing, because:

(a)   I had these feelings of anger, resentment and anxiety towards two of God’s children and sisters-in-Christ in the first place

(b)   I recently made the decision to step back and disengage myself as servant, babysitter, supplier, chauffeur and always on call Christian counselor in both relationships, and

(c)   I feel by doing so, I’ve been disobedient to the Lord and have greatly disappointed Him in my rebelliousness 

What a mess! 

I'm going to stop right here for now. My apologies for this not being one of my more encouraging nor inspiring of posts. But please hang in there and join me as I wrap up the rest of this post tomorrow. I'll have some questions I'd like for you to consider and comment on. Thank you!

Away To A Quiet Place

'Then Jesus said, "Come to Me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." ~ Matthew 11:28

The past several weeks have been extremely stressful, caused by various situations and encounters with some difficult people in my life.  Yesterday was the clincher, a day that just about drove me over the edge.  A good majority of the time, I felt as if I had a huge weight bearing down on my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. And I spent most of the afternoon and evening battling to keep several panic attacks at bay.

I woke up this morning, with remnants of stress still hanging on.  I felt like a bee trapped inside of a jar and my time alone with the Lord was ruined by the distractions running through my head, like words on those scrolling TV news tickers.

Afterwards, as I prepared to take one of my children to their early morning job, I felt a whisper in my soul:

"Come away with Me to a quiet place."

"Well, alrighty then, Lord. And where might that be?" I wondered.  And as I ran out the door, I grabbed my camera, just in case I got some clearer directions along the way and found the need to document my time wherever I wound up.

Which, of course, I did.

At 6 AM, I found myself at the marina of a nearby park, where a certain bloggy friend of mine, Toni, from over at Lakeside Lessons, often spends some quality time with Jesus.  It was cold, a bit windy and the sun was just beginning to make a glorious appearance.  It was also peaceful, save for the excited cries and chatter between some feathered friends and the sound of the water lapping up on the shoreline.

In the gospel which bears his name, Mark paints a picture of Jesus' disciples returning from a mission to which He sent them.  There is no mention of how long they were away, but as tired as they must be from the journey, they ARE very excited about all they did and everything they've witnessed.  As they're in the midst of sharing with Jesus their stories of preaching, healing and driving out demons, we are told that there are many people coming and going all around them. So much so that they weren't even able to eat a meal. 

That's when Jesus issues this invitation to His weary and hungry friends:

"Come away with Me. Let us go alone to a quiet place and rest for awhile." (Mark 6:31)

Jesus takes them away by boat to a lonely place. Just Him and them.  A place of rest and peace. Because that's what they needed.

And that is where Jesus invited me today. To a place of rest and peace. Just Him and me. Because He knew that's what I needed.

Won't you join me?

Tenth Avenue North -- Worn

Worship Song Sunday -- Everlasting God by Lincoln Brewster

Isaiah 40:27-31 ~


Why do you complain, Jacob?
    Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord;
    my cause is disregarded by my God”? 
Do you not know?
    Have you not heard? 
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth. 
He will not grow tired or weary, 
    and his understanding no one can fathom. 
He gives strength to the weary 
    and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall; 
 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; 
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint. 








May the strength of the Everlasting God carry you through whatever you're facing -- today and always.

Restless Child

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' ~ Jesus


I cannot sleep,
My mind and heart are racing;
My body cannot rest.

The accusing voice asks -
"When did you become who you are today...
Someone other than who you were meant to be?"

I cover my ears,
And close my eyes;
But there is no peace for me...

A mocking voice shouts -
"You are worthless!
You are nothing!
You are rejected!
You do not matter!
You are invisible!"

Out of the room I run,
Down the stairs and
Out the door,
Into the cool, night air;
And under the moon and stars
I cry.....

But the still, small voice whispers -
"You are precious and honored in My sight.
You are Mine.
You are loved.
You are the apple of My eye.
NO ONE can take you from My hand,
On which your name is engraved."

My Father's voice comforts,
And resonates in my soul;
It is His lullaby
To His weary, burdened,
Restless child.

Unequally Yoked, Part 2

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? ~ 2 Corinthians 6:14-15, NKJV)
　
In my last post, I spoke a little about my life as the spouse of a non-believer and ended with the question, ‘what exactly does being unequally yoked mean?’

Well, first of all, after searching some sites, I came to learn that while this Scripture verse is usually brought up to describe a marriage between a believer and a non-believer in Christ, it really is not referring to marriage at all. Paul was actually telling his audience in Corinth that they were to refrain from having anything to do with those who practiced paganism or any kind of ‘dark works.’ Marriage is not mentioned in this particular piece of Scripture; nonetheless, it certainly can pertain to it.

I searched around a bit more and came up with these definitions: The phrase "unequally yoked together" translates from only one Greek word, heterozugeo, which is a compound word that means, "to yoke up differently; to associate discordantly; to unequally yoke together." This phrase is used only one time in the Bible…here in 2 Corinthians. Also, the word "yoke" means a coupling, as when two oxen are coupled together by a pulling beam to plow a field or to pull a wagon. The yoke itself is actually a crossbar with two U-shaped pieces that encircle the necks of a pair of oxen or other draft animals working together.

As I read this, I was hit right between the eyes with two very key words....did you catch them? Working Together. Whoa. When you find yourself coupled with another whose beliefs, visions, desires, dreams, etc., do not line up with your own, especially in a marriage relationship, working together is no longer a feasible activity. Doesn’t matter if it’s two animals or two human beings...one is struggling to go one way, one is struggling to go another and both wind up going nowhere.

There’s pain. There’s conflict. There’s anger. There’s frustration. There’s resentment. There’s no unity. These are pretty fair descriptions of how my marriage and my home life have been for all of these years. There is certainly no fun or comfort to be found when you are so closely and tightly connected to someone with whom you can have no agreement as to which direction to take on life’s pathways. The greatest joy in my life is Jesus, and I cannot share that joy with the one with whom I share my life. And to explain how adversely it's affected our son and our daughter would have to be explained in several separate blog posts.  It’s no wonder I can often become discouraged, depressed, in pain and exhausted emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Earlier this year, I attended my church’s annual women’s retreat. I was intrigued to find out that one of the breakout sessions was for women who are ‘spiritually single’ and I decided to check it out. I found it somewhat odd and almost humorous when the woman who was the facilitator for this session told the group of us that God had 'called' us to this life experience. Really?? Called?? Funny, I don’t feel called, but this idea is something I continue to ponder.

Let me say right here that there are days when I think I will scream and lose my mind if I hear one more person remind me of what it says in Isaiah 54:5: For your Maker is your Husband--the Lord of hosts is His name--and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth He is called.


And then there are other days when I can’t seem to turn the pages of my Bible fast enough to get to that section of Scripture to see it in black and white and read it for myself in the hopes of finding comfort by those words of promise.

So…where does this leave me at this point? Where’s the hope? Where’s the encouragement? Am I to forever remain being strangled by this yoke?

I’ve had many people, non-believers and followers of Christ alike, who have told me to remove that spiritually lopsided yoke, RUN like Carl Lewis and never look back. But my Jesus tells me of a different way, a better way. His way. And it’s found in Matthew 11:28-30. My favorite translation is from the Amplified Bible and in it, Jesus says:

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.] Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls. For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good--not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne.”

I love that. Yes, I CAN remove that unequal yoke, replacing it with Jesus’ yoke, His good, wholesome, comfortable, gracious and pleasant yoke. And if I’m going to run anywhere, it should be straight to Jesus and move along the path that He directs me to walk, along with Himself. But how does this all work and what does it mean?

I believe the answer lies in verse 29: “Take My yoke upon you.” The majority of the various translations I checked use the verb ‘take.’ It’s a word that requires action, and it’s an action on MY part. Jesus offers His yoke to me, but I have to make the choice to remove my current yoke, step forward, take His yoke from Him and place myself underneath it. To me, this means I have to stop looking to my husband for validation and relying on him to give to me the joy, peace, rest, comfort, guidance, mercy, grace, forgiveness and ultimately, the LOVE I so desperately seek. I need to stop my whining, complaining and struggling, and accept that at this time, this is just how my life is going to be. Believe me, this isn’t easy to do. But I have to learn to stop my obsessive need to have my spouse satisfy me in all areas, take my constant focus off him as my all in all and instead, turn to the One Who IS my all in all, Jesus Christ, trusting in the things about Him I have come to know to be true:

∙ that His yoke is easy and His burden is light

∙ that He who began a good work in me (and I believe, in my husband and our children)will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus

∙ that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose

∙ that I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day (meaning the return of Christ)

∙ that if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him, for the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife....otherwise their children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy

∙ that love is patient and kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails
　So it’s a day by day, moment by moment taking off and laying down of such a heavy, mismatched yoke and replacing it with the lighter one that Jesus lovingly offers me. And I’m well aware that much of the time, the only real tried and true love I’m GOING to experience is the love of Jesus. But the fact is, I AM loved. Loved with an everlasting, unconditional, unfailing love, as long as I stay yoked together with my precious Jesus.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us, oh! ~ How He Loves, by David Crowder Band