And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith. ~ Galatians 6:9-10
Before I begin, I find it VERY interesting that this verse would be the one to come up on my phone's YouVersion Bible app today as I was writing this. Actually, I didn't check to see it until AFTER I had finished this post.
That being said, this has been a very difficult post for me to write. And one that has been a long time coming. There's a lot I felt the need to carefully explain in the hopes you, dear readers, will understand where I'm coming from. So due to the length, I've had to break it down into two parts. I hope you'll hang in there for both of them.
As a
Christian, one of our primary roles is to be a humble servant of God – serving Him by
serving others is indeed an honor and a privilege for us. Or at least it should
be.
But what
happens when it no longer feels that way?
Throughout
the New Testament, God’s Word speaks of the importance of dying to self; of
serving and caring for the poor, the sick, the needy and less fortunate; of
practicing hospitality; of placing the needs of others before our own, and of
helping to carry one another’s burdens.
But what
happens when that all becomes too much?
For some
time now, I’ve had cause to think on these ideals and commands. Certain
situations with particular people in my life, with regards to serving them,
have made me step back and ask even more questions, like:
How can serving others become ‘off balance?’
At what point does helping someone suddenly cross the lines and become enabling instead?
Now you won’t
find the terms
- Enabler
- Toxic relationship
- Co-dependency
- Dysfunctional family
anywhere in
the Bible. No, not even in The Message translation. I checked. So back in Jesus’s day, Jerusalem and the surrounding areas didn’t
offer counseling sessions for enablers and didn’t have support groups for those
who served and cared for people with toxic, obsessive, dysfunctional
personalities or mental disorders.
So what did
people do about those hard-to-deal-with, difficult-to-manage people whom they were called to serve?
Pretty much the only things I can find
are the Gospel accounts of people traveling far and wide to bring them to Jesus
to heal ( Mark 4), or just completely removing themselves from their lives to let them
fend for themselves (see the story of the demon-possessed wild man roaming
through the tombs of Gerasenes in Mark 5).
I know that service
to others should ALWAYS come from a joyful, compassionate, loving heart and
spirit. However, when it’s done with an overburdened, resentful and angry
attitude, service becomes nothing more than a struggle to complete a dreaded
duty; it feels more like an undesirable job than a great adventure for the one
doing it.
Unfortunately,
the latter description is what it has become for me. And I confess I’ve not
handled it well. Please let me explain.
I do believe
that God brings people into our lives who need our service and giftings. He brought two particular people into my life
– one a friend, the other a neighbor – when I began to attend my present
church. To say that it’s been a challenge for me to be there for them in their
times of need through the years is an understatement. I’ve done my best, but
recently, their needs have gone way beyond what I’m actually able to do and to
provide.
And I’ve been struggling.
Struggling with the realization that I am weary and no longer wish to do this anymore.
Struggling
with the anger, resentment, anxiety and even some fear mixed in that wells up
in me whenever our doorbell rings…. and it’s my neighbor. I’m embarrassed to
say that I’ve taken to sending my husband to answer it when it’s her. Because
if I answer the door, she won’t leave until I’ve addressed every complaint,
desire, question she has, or fulfilled every need of hers, from advice to promises of rides to
borrowing money and our phone.
Family time,
get-togethers, meals, intimate moments and late night/early morning sleep have
been interrupted countless times over the past several years, and it’s gotten
worse recently as my neighbor’s mental state, which was never strong in the 20
years we’ve lived here, is diminishing more and more. Her ever-growing needs (physical, health and
emotional) are more than I can handle. But since I’m not family; and because her
family members don’t wish to be involved (too busy, too much trouble) and are
more than happy to let me deal with her; and due to legalities (those who have
Power of Attorney over her health and finances, HIPAA laws and standards and
Social Services’ confidentiality guidelines), my hands are tied and I’m unable
to get this person the assistance they really need and deserve.
Talk about being in between a rock and a hard place.
It’s heartbreaking to watch. And frustrating to deal with.
I’ve spent
hours and hours, in person and over the phone, listening to her cry, rage and
complain. When I’ve offered to pray with and for her, she thanks me, but says
it will do no good, because God's not listening anyway. When I’ve given her suggestions or counsel, she won’t take
them. When I’ve shown her tough love, she gets mad at me. When I’ve lined up
physical, tangible assistance for her and her family, she’s called and stopped
it, then complained that nobody cares.
When she speaks of taking her own life, I’ve talked her through it (she’ll
apologize the next day, laughing it off, while I’m still shaken). I’ve reached
out to her family and begged them to get her and themselves into some kind of
family intervention and counseling program. They
have yet to do so. And the phone calls keep coming.
I know admitting this will make me sound like a terrible person and a weak, lousy Christian, but to be honest, both my
neighbor and my friend can often drain me physically, emotionally and mentally. And
my serving them has actually caused relational problems here at home,
especially with my marriage. My daughter confronted me the other day and asked,
“Why do you let people take advantage of you like that?”
Why indeed? Since when has being a Christian become synonymous with being a doormat?
And then,
there’s the terrible guilt and shame I’m experiencing, because:
(a) I had these feelings of anger,
resentment and anxiety towards two of God’s children and sisters-in-Christ in the first place
(b) I recently made the decision to step
back and disengage myself as servant, babysitter, supplier, chauffeur and always
on call Christian counselor in both relationships, and
(c) I feel by doing so, I’ve been
disobedient to the Lord and have greatly disappointed Him in my rebelliousness
What a mess!
I'm going to stop right here for now. My apologies for this not being one of my more encouraging nor inspiring of posts. But please hang in there and join me as I wrap up the rest of this post tomorrow. I'll have some questions I'd like for you to consider and comment on. Thank you!
What a mess!
I'm going to stop right here for now. My apologies for this not being one of my more encouraging nor inspiring of posts. But please hang in there and join me as I wrap up the rest of this post tomorrow. I'll have some questions I'd like for you to consider and comment on. Thank you!
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