Growing Weary, Part One

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith. ~ Galatians 6:9-10

Before I begin, I find it VERY interesting that this verse would be the one to come up on my phone's YouVersion Bible app today as I was writing this. Actually, I didn't check to see it until AFTER I had finished this post. 

That being said, this has been a very difficult post for me to write. And one that has been a long time coming. There's a lot I felt the need to carefully explain in the hopes you, dear readers, will understand where I'm coming from. So due to the length, I've had to break it down into two parts. I hope you'll hang in there for both of them.

As a Christian, one of our primary roles is to be a humble servant of God – serving Him by serving others is indeed an honor and a privilege for us. Or at least it should be.

But what happens when it no longer feels that way?

Throughout the New Testament, God’s Word speaks of the importance of dying to self; of serving and caring for the poor, the sick, the needy and less fortunate; of practicing hospitality; of placing the needs of others before our own, and of helping to carry one another’s burdens.

But what happens when that all becomes too much?

For some time now, I’ve had cause to think on these ideals and commands. Certain situations with particular people in my life, with regards to serving them, have made me step back and ask even more questions, like:

How can serving others become ‘off balance?’

At what point does helping  someone suddenly cross the lines and become enabling instead?

Now you won’t find the terms 

• Enabler
• Toxic relationship
• Co-dependency
• Dysfunctional family

anywhere in the Bible. No, not even in The Message translation. I checked. So back in Jesus’s day, Jerusalem and the surrounding areas didn’t offer counseling sessions for enablers and didn’t have support groups for those who served and cared for people with toxic, obsessive, dysfunctional personalities or mental disorders.

So what did people do about those hard-to-deal-with, difficult-to-manage people whom they were called to serve? 

Pretty much the only things I can find are the Gospel accounts of people traveling far and wide to bring them to Jesus to heal ( Mark 4), or just completely removing themselves from their lives to let them fend for themselves (see the story of the demon-possessed wild man roaming through the tombs of Gerasenes in Mark 5).

I know that service to others should ALWAYS come from a joyful, compassionate, loving heart and spirit. However, when it’s done with an overburdened, resentful and angry attitude, service becomes nothing more than a struggle to complete a dreaded duty; it feels more like an undesirable job than a great adventure for the one doing it.

Unfortunately, the latter description is what it has become for me. And I confess I’ve not handled it well. Please let me explain.

I do believe that God brings people into our lives who need our service and giftings.  He brought two particular people into my life – one a friend, the other a neighbor – when I began to attend my present church. To say that it’s been a challenge for me to be there for them in their times of need through the years is an understatement. I’ve done my best, but recently, their needs have gone way beyond what I’m actually able to do and to provide.

And I’ve been struggling.

Struggling with the realization that I am weary and no longer wish to do this anymore.

Struggling with the anger, resentment, anxiety and even some fear mixed in that wells up in me whenever our doorbell rings…. and it’s my neighbor. I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve taken to sending my husband to answer it when it’s her. Because if I answer the door, she won’t leave until I’ve addressed every complaint, desire, question she has, or fulfilled every need of hers, from advice to promises of rides to borrowing money and our phone. 

Family time, get-togethers, meals, intimate moments and late night/early morning sleep have been interrupted countless times over the past several years, and it’s gotten worse recently as my neighbor’s mental state, which was never strong in the 20 years we’ve lived here, is diminishing more and more.  Her ever-growing needs (physical, health and emotional) are more than I can handle. But since I’m not family; and because her family members don’t wish to be involved (too busy, too much trouble) and are more than happy to let me deal with her; and due to legalities (those who have Power of Attorney over her health and finances, HIPAA laws and standards and Social Services’ confidentiality guidelines), my hands are tied and I’m unable to get this person the assistance they really need and deserve.

Talk about being in between a rock and a hard place.

I struggle with those same negative feelings towards my friend whenever the phone rings and I see her number appear on my Caller ID.  My friend has been suffering with her own medical and financial issues, as well as job-related problems for quite awhile, and rather than drawing her closer to God, I’ve watched this once strong and solid-in-her-faith woman allow these crises to move her farther and farther away from Him.

It’s heartbreaking to watch. And frustrating to deal with. 

I’ve spent hours and hours, in person and over the phone, listening to her cry, rage and complain. When I’ve offered to pray with and for her, she thanks me, but says it will do no good, because God's not listening anyway. When I’ve given her suggestions or counsel, she won’t take them. When I’ve shown her tough love, she gets mad at me. When I’ve lined up physical, tangible assistance for her and her family, she’s called and stopped it, then complained that nobody cares.  When she speaks of taking her own life, I’ve talked her through it (she’ll apologize the next day, laughing it off, while I’m still shaken). I’ve reached out to her family and begged them to get her and themselves into some kind of family intervention and counseling program.  They have yet to do so. And the phone calls keep coming.

I know admitting this will make me sound like a terrible person and a weak, lousy Christian, but to be honest, both my neighbor and my friend can often drain me physically, emotionally and mentally. And my serving them has actually caused relational problems here at home, especially with my marriage. My daughter confronted me the other day and asked, “Why do you let people take advantage of you like that?”

Why indeed? Since when has being a Christian become synonymous with being a doormat?

And then, there’s the terrible guilt and shame I’m experiencing, because:

(a)   I had these feelings of anger, resentment and anxiety towards two of God’s children and sisters-in-Christ in the first place

(b)   I recently made the decision to step back and disengage myself as servant, babysitter, supplier, chauffeur and always on call Christian counselor in both relationships, and

(c)   I feel by doing so, I’ve been disobedient to the Lord and have greatly disappointed Him in my rebelliousness 

What a mess! 

I'm going to stop right here for now. My apologies for this not being one of my more encouraging nor inspiring of posts. But please hang in there and join me as I wrap up the rest of this post tomorrow. I'll have some questions I'd like for you to consider and comment on. Thank you!

Worship Song Sunday -- Give Me Jesus, by Fernando Ortega

Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. 
~ Psalm 73:25, NASB

I consider everything else worthless because I'm much better off knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. It's because of him that I think of everything as worthless. I threw it all away in order to gain Christ
 ~ Philippians 3:8 God's Word Translation

Yesterday evening, I visited a friend's church.  We're not of the same denomination, so their order of service went a little differently than what I've come to know at my home church. 

After the pastor's sermon, we all stood up to sing 'Give Me Jesus.'  I was surprised. Not because they sang the song, but because earlier that morning the phrase -- 'just give me Jesus' -- popped into my head as I was heading out to an appointment. And it stayed with me throughout the day.   

I was also surprised to learn, from the church's hymnal, that this song of worship was not penned by some Contemporary Christian songwriter, but is actually an old African-American spiritual, its author unknown. The tempo of the version we sang was a bit quicker and more upbeat than the song here by Fernando Ortega, and some of the stanzas were quite different. 

But the meaningful content of this beautiful song is the same, reflecting the message in the Scriptures referenced above:

NOTHING in this world can hold a candle to knowing Jesus 

NOTHING in this world can bring the satisfaction that comes from knowing Jesus

NOTHING in this world is worth more than knowing, loving and being known and loved by Jesus Christ, so.......

You can have all this world -- but give me Jesus

Adding To The Noise

Don’t say anything that would hurt another person. Instead, speak only what is good so that you can give help wherever it is needed. That way, what you say will help those who hear you. 

Don’t give God’s Holy Spirit any reason to be upset with you. He has put his seal on you for the day you will be set free from the world of sin.

Get rid of your bitterness, hot tempers, anger, loud quarreling, cursing, and hatred. Be kind to each other, sympathetic, forgiving each other as God has forgiven you through Christ.~ Ephesians 4:29-32 (God's Word Translation)

I must be honest and say that I am weary of seeing and sickened by the barrage of posts and pictures coming through my news feed on Facebook, on Twitter and even on Instagram, about the verdict of the George Zimmerman trial, along with the ugly, snarky by-lines and comments that accompany them.

Emotions are running high among 'just plain folks' like you and I, as well as amid celebrities, and the verbiage that pops up like out-of-control July 4th fireworks from both camps is, in my opinion, causing more damage, division and destruction than anything else.

I said this before, and I'll say it again -- think before your fingers touch your keyboard today. THINK before you hit the POST or SEND button today. And tomorrow. And the next. Don't let negative emotions taint your words and turn them into harmful, verbal poison. Once they're out there, you can't take them back.

Please think about the impact you are having upon people, especially young people with whom you may be friends, who are reading your posts and Tweets, who may be looking to you for guidance, leadership and understanding of what has taken place.  

My pastor likes to remind us often -- and thankfully so -- that if we are not part of the solution, we are part of the problem.

I ask you: Can we just STOP adding to the noise by this verbal and pictorial perpetuation of hate, distrust and division??

In a different translation (NIV) of the verse I referenced above from the book of Ephesians, the apostle Paul implored the church at Ephesus:

'Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths.'

We can take that as filthy language (swearing) or.... as using words that tear apart something that is whole. Words that divide us as human beings. As children of God.

And earlier in this passage, Paul urges his readers to

'speak the truth in love.'  

Are we not to take these same words and apply them to our lives & situations today? Sadly, I'm not seeing much of that here on social media from many people -- even and especially from those who claim to align themselves with Jesus and call themselves Christians.  

So like my pastor and like the apostle Paul, I feel led to remind, implore and urge everyone today:

Please stop being part of the problem. Please stop 'stirring the soup.' Please stop promoting hatred and inciting angry, hurtful and violent emotions. 

Maybe it's time to take a much needed break from television, radio and social media. Maybe it's time to go for a walk, read a book, take a drive, a bike ride or a swim. 

Or maybe it's time to find a quiet, solitary place, drop to our knees in humility and pour out our complaints and questions, anger and frustrations to the One -- the ONLY One -- Who can take our ilk and ire, the One Who is Sovereign. Who is Righteous. Who is Just and Justice itself.  Who is God.

God -- The One Who showed His great love for us by sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to die for us while WE were still sinners.  Selah

And then....

Can we forgive as Christ forgave? Can we offer mercy and grace as Christ offered mercy and grace to those who only offered Him hostility, hatred, violence and injustice?

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." ~ Dr. Martin Luther King

Journey Into Unknown Territory

Anyone who has known me for any length of time -- in 'real life' or virtual life -- knows that when it comes to electronic devices/gadgets, as well as computer programs and software, I'm about as low tech as one can be. I love 'em, I enjoy 'em....but to be honest, I'm easily confused by the majority of 'em.

Case in point --just a little over two weeks ago, I was railroaded into buying made the decision to purchase my very own, very first FOR REAL smartphone. I remember staring at it after prying it out of the package, wondering what in the world I had gone and done.  Thankfully, I have a 20 year old and a 16 year old here at home who have been beyond helpful, showing me what to do, where to find certain apps, etc.  But I'm still trying to figure it all out, especially when they aren't around.  

So I knew I was in for a mega headache and a major nervous breakdown when I decided to create a slideshow of photos for a friend who had asked me if I would be kind enough to take pictures of his church's final Spanish mass (the church closed today due to financial difficulties) and the procession afterwards, bearing a huge portrait of their beloved Lady of Guadalupe, which would be housed in another neighboring church. 

Now, my friend didn't ask for the slideshow.  And I had fully intended to just burn them to a CD to give to him and to one of his church's secretaries, who was delighted to learn that someone was capturing this on film. 

But for some reason today -- perhaps it was my breathing in the fumes from the sausages I was cooking in beer on the stove nearby -- I got it into my little wooden head that it MIGHT just be pretty cool to make the 70 plus photos into a slideshow!!

Never having done anything like this, I was a bit confused about how and where to start. This was most definitely a journey into unknown territory. Then, I remembered another friend of mine who posts slideshows of her family from time to time, using something called Smilebox.  So I texted her (yes, folks, I have officially entered into the millenium and can actually TEXT now, just like all the cool kids!!) with some questions. She responded, telling me it was easy to learn and that she loved it. So I decided to download the program and give it a shot. 

Now, I'm a bottom line kind of a gal.  Meaning, I hate having to read through all kinds of instructions and guidelines and whatnot.  Mostly because, low tech geek girl that I am, I usually cannot comprehend all the techy language that goes along with all things electronic (hence my relying on my kids to show me how to use my new phone). But this program seemed fairly simple as my other friend had stated (and oh, joy of joys, it's FREE!).

So.....below is the result of my visit to the Land of Smilebox.  There are 75 photos (feel free to bail out at any time), set to music, beginning at Divine Mercy Parish's Saint Stanislaus' church and ending at Holy Cross Church, also a part of the Divine Mercy Parish.  They are old and beautiful local Catholic churches, rich in history, both established in the 1890's in the Trenton, NJ area.  

I hope you enjoy and are blessed by them!

Click here to view

Prayer For The Wounded and Broken

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. ~ Isaiah 53:5 (NIV)

'Broken Life,' by Frenkyyy, @ deviantArt

Jesus -- in humility, we come before You, broken. Hurting.  Bleeding profusely. And begging desperately:  Please, Lord....heal us of our wounds today.

And may the scars that remain become our sacred badges of honor. Not badges we point to, bragging of and showing off to others in a prideful manner, but instead, may these sacred scars remind us -- not in a condemning way -- 

of who and what we once were

of where we came from

And....

of who and what we are today

of where we are now

of how far we've come

All because of You and Your 

amazing grace

unfailing love

new and tender mercies

and Your never-ending, sweet forgiveness of our sins towards You

For it is by Your wounds, Jesus, that

We Are Healed!

'Total Abandon,' by Chris Bradley

NOTE: May the words and music from this song, as well as the image of Jesus created in this video by Jesus Painter's Mike Lewis, help to bless, encourage and bring healing to your wounded heart, mind and spirit

("By His Wounds," sung by Steven Curtis Chapman, Mac Powell, Brian Littrell & Mark Hall, from the 'Glory Revealed' CD)

Worship Song Sunday -- The Lord Our God, by Kristian Stanfill

For those feeling exiled to a dark place today, wondering where God is and if He has forgotten you and left you behind......

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandments. ~ Deuteronomy 7:9

The Lord our God is ever faithful

Never changing through the ages

From this darkness

You will lead us 

And forever we will say 

You're the Lord our God 

 (Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC – Writer: INGRAM, JASON / STANFILL, KRISTIAN)

Away To A Quiet Place

'Then Jesus said, "Come to Me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." ~ Matthew 11:28

The past several weeks have been extremely stressful, caused by various situations and encounters with some difficult people in my life.  Yesterday was the clincher, a day that just about drove me over the edge.  A good majority of the time, I felt as if I had a huge weight bearing down on my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. And I spent most of the afternoon and evening battling to keep several panic attacks at bay.

I woke up this morning, with remnants of stress still hanging on.  I felt like a bee trapped inside of a jar and my time alone with the Lord was ruined by the distractions running through my head, like words on those scrolling TV news tickers.

Afterwards, as I prepared to take one of my children to their early morning job, I felt a whisper in my soul:

"Come away with Me to a quiet place."

"Well, alrighty then, Lord. And where might that be?" I wondered.  And as I ran out the door, I grabbed my camera, just in case I got some clearer directions along the way and found the need to document my time wherever I wound up.

Which, of course, I did.

At 6 AM, I found myself at the marina of a nearby park, where a certain bloggy friend of mine, Toni, from over at Lakeside Lessons, often spends some quality time with Jesus.  It was cold, a bit windy and the sun was just beginning to make a glorious appearance.  It was also peaceful, save for the excited cries and chatter between some feathered friends and the sound of the water lapping up on the shoreline.

In the gospel which bears his name, Mark paints a picture of Jesus' disciples returning from a mission to which He sent them.  There is no mention of how long they were away, but as tired as they must be from the journey, they ARE very excited about all they did and everything they've witnessed.  As they're in the midst of sharing with Jesus their stories of preaching, healing and driving out demons, we are told that there are many people coming and going all around them. So much so that they weren't even able to eat a meal. 

That's when Jesus issues this invitation to His weary and hungry friends:

"Come away with Me. Let us go alone to a quiet place and rest for awhile." (Mark 6:31)

Jesus takes them away by boat to a lonely place. Just Him and them.  A place of rest and peace. Because that's what they needed.

And that is where Jesus invited me today. To a place of rest and peace. Just Him and me. Because He knew that's what I needed.

Won't you join me?

Tenth Avenue North -- Worn

Chase -- Chasing After The Heart of God

Recently, I was contacted by a publicist from Shelton Interactive and asked if I would be interested in reviewing a DVD-driven women’s Bible study by Bible teacher/author/speaker, Jennie Allen. The study is called ‘Chase: Chasing After The Heart Of God.’ I’d heard Jennie on several Focus On The Family radio broadcasts a few months ago, and last year, I’d purchased her latest book, ‘Anything.’ So after prayerfully considering this request, I decided to give it a shot and said yes. 

Never EVER having reviewed anything, I have to admit I was pretty nervous when I received the package from Thomas Nelson Publishing, Inc. and wondered what in the world I had gotten myself into. Inside the package were the various tools of the trade: two books – one for study and one a leader’s guide – a DVD and a small box bursting with cards, labeled ‘ask.’ I was intrigued. 

While at first blush, I was of the honest opinion that this study seemed geared towards and better suited for a younger audience of women, I’ve since rescinded that opinion. This study is for EVERY WOMAN -- young, old and in-between -- who desires to be a woman after God’s own heart. 

The question Jennie Allen asks right out of the gate is:

‘What are you chasing?’

She goes on to state that ‘we’re all chasing something, something that we think will make us happy – comfort, success, a bigger house, or someone’s approval.  But if we are all honest, it feels like trying to catch the wind.’  This statement resonates deeply with me.  

The study is broken down as follows:

Lead -- The leader’s guide totally prepares you to facilitate this study, providing much encouragement and wise counsel along the way. I’ve NEVER facilitated a Bible study. Too scary and overwhelming a prospect for me, although I have several dear friends who have led studies for years and who tell me they can see me doing this.  Reading through the 'Chase'  leader’s guide, I was impressed with the wise and useful advice that Jennie provides, making facilitating the study actually seem doable for someone with zero experience in this realm.  I SO appreciated the attention to detail here with the various tools and tips shared, most especially regarding guiding conversations (and what to do when faced with specific challenges from a group member or members), as well as when and how to refer a deeply hurting member of the group to the proper helpful and professional resources, such as Christian counselors and the Christian 12 step group, Celebrate Recovery.  

Study -- The study guide/workbook uses projects, stories, and bible study to engage the mind and heart.  There are seven weeks of bible study, plus an introductory session. Lesson titles include  ‘courage,’  ‘repentance,’ and  ‘surrender.’  Each chapter is engulfed and practically saturated with relevant portions of Scripture for the particular lesson. I believe that through this study, which explores defining moments in the God-centered, very real and raw, mistake filled and messy life of shepherd, king and psalm writer, David, and the lessons he learned from them, women of all backgrounds and life seasons will gain a greater insight into and understanding of the heart of God.

There is journaling involved (if you’ve never done this, fear not! It’s a wonderful thing to do and no need to be an English major or a professional author to jot down your heart-felt thoughts), and little exercises to get your creative and spiritual juices flowing (although I must admit, I really didn't care for the ones that required you to draw. Everything I draw anymore looks like stick figures done by a preschooler). Getting together with a small, intimate group of women seems to be the best way to go here, but if you are entertaining thoughts of using this for a large group study at your church instead, it would be a good idea to break it down into smaller groups during the study time. 

See -- There are eight short, but deep videos (and conveniently, all on one disc) to provide a starting place for meeting God and for transparent conversations with one another. Each video lasts about is 8-12 minutes. First off, I loved the fact that these were just the right amount of time. I’ve been a part of DVD driven studies where the video took up most of the time, and not allowing for much interaction and sharing among the women. And then, there are the scenes. Oh, those scenes! Jennie has the various sessions filmed in a variety of eclectic locales -- a trailer, her bathroom, a quaint little sewing shop in a small Texas town, an auto salvage yard, a gorgeous field at sunset, to name just a few -- which made Jennie and her lessons come off to me in a very non-threatening, non-self-righteous, simplistic and appealing way. I believe so many women will be able to relate to her. Jennie Allen comes across here as very real and approachable, as she not only speaks of David's struggles and sins, but her own as well. And the feeling I got as I watched was that I was sitting and having a private conversation with a treasured, trusted friend over coffee about the things that matter most to us….and to God. 

Ask-- These are great! Conversation cards offer questions for spontaneous and authentic discussion time. The cards are divided by workbook lesson and have a correlating Scripture verse for the week. The best part about this is that each woman gets to choose the questions that speak to her. Questions like, 

• ‘What has God asked you to do, but you feel afraid to do?‘  

• ‘How do you think God views you?‘

• ‘Are you quick to share weakness or are you afraid of seeming imperfect?’

• ‘Is your desire to please people bigger than your desire to please God? How is that affecting your decisions and life?’

I LOVE this idea, as it’s something quite different to engage the women in the group, to keep things fresh, and to help drive home the particular spiritual truth, as well as encouraging participation in a non-threatening way for those who may not normally speak up in group settings.

On the back of the study workbook, it states that the lessons found in the study guide are simple, yet deep. I wholeheartedly agree.  In the past, I’ve been in bible studies where I was able to finish the week’s homework on my coffee break at work. Believe me, I’m no genius nor bible scholar; it was simply a matter of the study questions barely scratching the surface. They did not cause me to look at and dig deep into my heart and soul for the answers.  

However, 'Chase' will invite you to do just that. It is both engaging and interactive, thought provoking and heart convicting.  You won’t need a PhD in Biblical literature to ‘get’ this study; yet I did not find ‘Chase’ to be a piece of mindless fluff either. This is not a coffee klatch disguised as a Bible study, folks. I enjoyed and was moved by what I learned as I reviewed and worked through the material, and I’m giving some serious thought here to inviting some friends of mine to do this study together in the near future.

So -- What are you chasing?

As summer approaches, this is the time of year when many women’s bible studies are winding down and coming to an end.  Whether you are looking for a summer bible study, or are in search of one to begin once September church activities resume, I encourage you to consider choose Jennie Allen‘s 'Chase.' 

This product has been provided courtesy of  Thomas Nelson Publishing, Inc.,  and  Shelton Interactive.  Many thanks to publicist Sara Pence at Shelton Interactive for providing me with the opportunity to review this study curriculum. 

To learn more about 'Chase' and about Jennie Allen, go to: www.jennieallen.com/